A Series of Suay Suay Events

Okie, since my birthday, I have lost:

1. a tiffany heart lock charm only worn once ($200),
2. A Lenovo x61 laptop belonging to my bro ($2500)

My cat is also sick. Vet fee - 90.95

Total damage around $2800

Please someone kind return the laptop. At least someone was kind enough to send me to the bus stop. Linda just told me that Derrick's car was banged for 3 consecutive years on his birthday. Maybe his damage is quite like mine. Linda berry nice. Wanna buy me dinner when I am broke. Say take turn. I work out already. If Linda, Mrs Lau, Qili, Sophia, Jo, Jan buy me dinner and Sunday I go Li Jing's house to eat durian, I can save some money. Hahahahahaha. Just kidding.

Lord, please help me. Amen

grief

I should have known that I would not be able to run away from this. Today I did not wake in tears. I woke up to cry. After all, there are many stages to grieving. Grieving for the dead? Not exactly. But to grieve for something that is alive, and I am totally helpless about it.

The stages Kubler-Ross identified are:

* Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
* Anger (why is this happening to me?)
* Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
* Depression (I don't care anymore)
* Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

(http://www.cancersurvivors.org/Coping/end%20term/stages.htm)

No. I am not suffering from cancer. Though the pain might be comparable. I think I might be past denial. I was finally willing to tell my cousin what happened today, but I still prefer to keep many out of it. When I was at denial stage, my friends were so supportive but I still miss some of the most important people in my life.

I knew that he was quite unhappy. I knew that something was imminent. I thought that the serious talk (bless my stupid brain) was going to be about something nasty but I thought it would end with "happily ever after". I thought he was going to ask me if I would overlook his flaws and work to begin life together. I was wrong. My best friend said that I would not have said "I do". He was partially right. It was not because there was no love for him but I am still studying and would prefer to wait.

I was supposed to read to his sister's kids on Sunday but it never came. His mother asked me what exactly had happened. I could not answer. I AM equally lost. All I knew was that he told me that it did not make a difference if we were together. He was working almost 96 hours a week. I only had weekends free. But he had none to spare me. Our goals were different. I was also pretty tired to fight alone.

I cannot say that it was his fault that things turned this way. I am, after all, at fault too.

I think it'll take time to heal. No. I am not the kind of tragic heroine to say that I will never recover from this. But the time needed is questionable. After all, I thought I got over it and was ready to move on. But I was wrong, was I not?

Every time I am out, I was almost expecting to see him taking me home from my appointments. When I sleep, I would wake up in tears. I would wake up in anger. I would wake up with chest pains. But I will never wake up to see him beside me. All that promises that will never be fulfilled and the dreams that are never to be realised.

I also subconsciously compare others to him. His wits and intelligence are things that I will miss most.

There were often blank patches in my head. Gaps that I could not fill in. I would get lost in places that I've been to a million times. My brother found these moments entertaining that I could forget a day in between. My cousin found it surprising that I could get lost in Tangs. I drowned my sorrows in reading and rereading Harry Potter.

Just like he has hurt me. I am afraid that I would have to hurt others as well. I cannot move on. So it would be unfair that I be with someone else. I have the tendency to linger and look back but no decency to move forward. Like a spirit in limbo.

I will have to move out of limbo. Though I am not sure how long it would take. We were together for 8 years. I hope moving on would not take as long.

It's always about me

Yes, it's always about me. If there's a change, it's always because of me. If there's a problem, it's always my wishful thinking.

Yes, it's always about me. The world revolves around me. Therefore, the pains revolves around me. Never can I expect anyone else to feel it, even though they say they do.

Hopeless Cases

I think 1 can only pray when dealing with hopeless cases.

Prayer to St. Jude

To be said when problems arise or when one seems to be deprived of all visible help, or for cases almost despaired of.

Most holy apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant
and friend of Jesus, the Church honors
and invokes you universally, as the patron
of hopeless cases, of things almost despaired
of. Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone.
Make use I implore you, of that particular
privilege given to you, to bring visible and
speedy help where help is almost despaired
of. Come to my assistance in this great need
that I may receive the consolation and help
of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations,
and sufferings, particularly--(Here make
your request) and that I may praise God
with you and all the elect forever. I promise,
O blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of
this great favor,to always honor you as my
special and powerful patron, and to gratefully
encourage devotion to you. Amen.

St. Jude Prayer