grief

I should have known that I would not be able to run away from this. Today I did not wake in tears. I woke up to cry. After all, there are many stages to grieving. Grieving for the dead? Not exactly. But to grieve for something that is alive, and I am totally helpless about it.

The stages Kubler-Ross identified are:

* Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
* Anger (why is this happening to me?)
* Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
* Depression (I don't care anymore)
* Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

(http://www.cancersurvivors.org/Coping/end%20term/stages.htm)

No. I am not suffering from cancer. Though the pain might be comparable. I think I might be past denial. I was finally willing to tell my cousin what happened today, but I still prefer to keep many out of it. When I was at denial stage, my friends were so supportive but I still miss some of the most important people in my life.

I knew that he was quite unhappy. I knew that something was imminent. I thought that the serious talk (bless my stupid brain) was going to be about something nasty but I thought it would end with "happily ever after". I thought he was going to ask me if I would overlook his flaws and work to begin life together. I was wrong. My best friend said that I would not have said "I do". He was partially right. It was not because there was no love for him but I am still studying and would prefer to wait.

I was supposed to read to his sister's kids on Sunday but it never came. His mother asked me what exactly had happened. I could not answer. I AM equally lost. All I knew was that he told me that it did not make a difference if we were together. He was working almost 96 hours a week. I only had weekends free. But he had none to spare me. Our goals were different. I was also pretty tired to fight alone.

I cannot say that it was his fault that things turned this way. I am, after all, at fault too.

I think it'll take time to heal. No. I am not the kind of tragic heroine to say that I will never recover from this. But the time needed is questionable. After all, I thought I got over it and was ready to move on. But I was wrong, was I not?

Every time I am out, I was almost expecting to see him taking me home from my appointments. When I sleep, I would wake up in tears. I would wake up in anger. I would wake up with chest pains. But I will never wake up to see him beside me. All that promises that will never be fulfilled and the dreams that are never to be realised.

I also subconsciously compare others to him. His wits and intelligence are things that I will miss most.

There were often blank patches in my head. Gaps that I could not fill in. I would get lost in places that I've been to a million times. My brother found these moments entertaining that I could forget a day in between. My cousin found it surprising that I could get lost in Tangs. I drowned my sorrows in reading and rereading Harry Potter.

Just like he has hurt me. I am afraid that I would have to hurt others as well. I cannot move on. So it would be unfair that I be with someone else. I have the tendency to linger and look back but no decency to move forward. Like a spirit in limbo.

I will have to move out of limbo. Though I am not sure how long it would take. We were together for 8 years. I hope moving on would not take as long.